What You See is What You Become

Recently my wife and I heard some excellent teaching by a couple on marriage. They were charming and disarmingly honest, their weaknesses were not hidden, nor were their tough relational seasons shied away from. Scripture was their inspiration and foundation. The likelihood of them doing the journey, long term, is high. I’d be surprised, even though nothing surprises me, if their marriage failed. 

Later, someone asked what I thought of their message. I wasn’t looking for faults, but had I been so inclined nothing they said wasn’t worthy of approbation. 

You are probably waiting for the but? Although there is an and. From what I can ascertain they were raised in great Christian homes, they are well-educated, and they are mature, reasonable and thoughtful people. In other words, they are an increasingly small minority in the Western world. Some would suggest they were privileged, but I’m not sure we should feel guilty for being raised in stable, healthy,  Godly families. Blessed certainly, but hardly privileged with all its current opprobrium. 

So, what’s the point?

In their case, you almost need to ‘be’ them to ‘do’ them. Their advantages are obvious and increasingly rare. So many people are the result of divorces, broken families, being raised by single mums and dads, having incarcerated parents, etc. Some divorced people do a wonderful job with the nurture of their children, as do some single mums and dads. But it is a stretch beyond statistical evidence that broken families are good for children, notwithstanding anomalies.  

So, how do people who are in the faith community but have so little that is socially advantageous in their background learn anything vaguely helpful when it comes to marriage/relationships? How do they replicate the marriage (in spirit and Christlikeness) of the couple we listened to? They consistently referred to scripture and the teaching and guiding of the Spirit – couldn’t agree more, but (there it is – the ‘but’) something wasn’t said that is vital is the defining role of the community – the church, God’s people – in any believers’ moral and relational development.  

What we see is what we become.

If we see good marriage modelled in the community around us, we are more likely to learn good habits than if we were to only attend to sermons. The fractured/atomised nature of the church in the West means we are failing to disciple when the pulpit is the main or only expression of the living word. Were I to spend time around the ordinary lives (the non-coiffured presence) of the people I listened to, the quicker I’d learn the rhythms and humanity of good relationships. I’d see how to react or not to, how to make mistakes but learn from them, how to interpret Christ-like living into my marriage, how to forgive, when to say nothing and when to say something. These skills are imbibed by observation, more than by catechism.   

The question is, how are we living in community, such that we see and learn together? How are we praying and eating together? How is a normal Christian life lived so that Christ-like example teaches us, as well as good teaching about Christ?

If Sunday is our only vital connection, we are likely to be impoverished because the community of God’s church is one of the best teachers. For many, through history, it was their only teacher. 

We certainly didn’t go away from the message we’d heard and not learn something, but we would learn so much more if we were privy to their daily lives, living in community and Christ together, seeing how they processed the self-giving life of the Spirit, in their marriage. I’m all for preaching and teaching but equally all for the mediation of the Spirit in relational community with each other. 

This is where we see Jesus most easily because we will do what we see.